Do you ever ask for something and feel fairly confidant that you know what you’re getting yourself into and then later find out that you may have bitten off more than you can chew?
It seems like I’m always getting myself into those situations.
In fact, I’ve gotten myself into one of those situations right now.
My prayer recently has been “less of me, more of God.”
I thought I knew what that meant. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought that God would keep all the parts of me that I saw as positives and just replace all the negatives.
I was wrong.
Well, I was wrong in the sense that I thought I knew what my positives and negatives were. There were some accomplishments and skills that I saw as really great and I was really proud of those things. Too proud.
Those things were my running, my teaching and my health.
Running? It was easy to be proud of this one. If someone mentioned a race in Bartlesville, I could almost always say I had been the first place female. If I couldn’t, I was working to change that.
Teaching? I was four years in and hadn’t had a bad year yet, hadn’t had a student I couldn’t reach and hadn’t made any parents mad. What more could I ask for?
Health? I never got sick, rarely ever had to take a sick day and never had to go to the doctor. I knew the exact day that I had last thrown up…my birthday, fourth grade.
The worst part is that I used these things that I was proud of to compare myself to others. I felt accomplished as long as I was the fastest, the best and the healthiest. I felt good about myself, but my self-esteem was being falsely held up by these things.
That’s when I started saying my prayer and felt confident that God would uphold these qualities and would focus on areas that I thought needed help such as needing more patience and less over-reacting.
And then things started to happen.
I injured my knee in May and, just like always, I kept training thinking that it would heal on its own. It didn’t. Ten months later, I am just now getting it back to its former strength.
This school year has been extremely challenging in dealing with my students, co-workers and parents. Summer can not come soon enough.
I have been sick twice and now have some weird thing going on with my pinkie finger not getting enough circulation.
And I don’t mention all of this to complain (although Mr. Torres will tell you that I’ve done plenty of that), but, instead, to say that it has been good.
I would hate to see my 5K time right now or to hear what my students say about me behind my back or to know how many hours I have wasted in doctors’ waiting rooms, but I still have worth. I am still loved.
And where pride used to reside regarding all of these things, I now have a greater appreciation for those who struggle and those who have failed and for those who succeed.
We are worth more than our accomplishments.
As I look forward to a big change in the future (Houston had better be ready!), I know that God is making sure that there is less of me in the equation and I can’t wait to see what He has in store as He fills me up with more of His goodness!